How do I stop being jealous?

When it comes to navigating relationships, it’s imperative that you master how to stop being jealous and controlling. Even bonds between friends, coworkers and family can become strained when jealousy enters the picture. When envy goes unchecked, it can wreak havoc on the ability to trust someone or even enjoy their company.

To heal relationships characterized by insecurity and dominance, it’s critical to understand what causes jealousy in the first place so those triggers can be eliminated. The answers are within you, and finding them will set you free to enjoy relationships built on trust and equality.

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How do I stop being jealous? Understanding jealousy

The 5 Disciplines of Love unconditional love and compassion, courage and vulnerability, knowing the truth, telling yourself the truth and giving freedom apply to professional and friendly relationships as well as romantic ones. When these principles are practiced consistently, they create relationships that are harmonious and fulfilling. When any one of the Disciplines is neglected, the relationship suffers as a result. 

When jealousy enters a relationship, it becomes virtually impossible for the relationship to thrive. A jealous person is unable to fully trust others, which hampers the capacity for unconditional love and vulnerability. Relationships must be based on truth and transparency for both parties to feel secure, and jealousy hampers both parties’ capacity for transparency. Jealousy constrains both people, binding both in an unhealthy relationship dynamic. 

The Atlantic reports that, to get to the bottom of how to stop being jealous, it’s critical to consider the psychology behind jealousy. Feeling jealous or envious of others’ successes is human, and even the people you’re jealous of are jealous of someone else. What else is universal? The feelings of shame attached to jealousy. Whether you were passed over for a promotion or a second date, it’s almost impossible not to feel some anger and sadness. 

So, what is the answer to how to stop being jealous and controlling?

Tips for how to stop being jealous and controlling

“How do I stop being jealous?” You are asking the right questions, and your curiosity is the first step in finding solutions. With a little self-inquiry and a lot of self-compassion, you can overcome being a jealous person. 

1. Be honest about your feelings

If you’re experiencing jealousy because of a loss or defeat (ie. a broken friendship or failed goal), it might be tempting to try and appear unscathed. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll need to acknowledge your real feelings, which likely include envy and disappointment. It’s this combination of unpleasant, seemingly-contradictory feelings that leaves you feeling stuck. Acknowledging your feelings and being okay with them allows you to find alternatives.

be honest about your feelings

2. Determine the source of your jealousy

determine the source of your jealousy

Every situation is unique, and it could be that the relationship itself needs work in order to restore trust. If one party is not being truthful or honoring its obligations in the relationship, the other person is correct to feel distrustful. It could also be that your own insecurities are causing your jealousy, independent of the other person. By getting to the bottom of what’s really driving your envy, you’re able to find a targeted solution.

3. Master your mindset

If you’re struggling with how to stop being jealous and controlling, it’s likely your mindset is holding you back. To uproot jealousy, take a close look at your thought patterns. If you’re overwhelmed by jealousy, are you perceiving the other person clearly their strengths and contributions to the relationship, as well as their weaknesses? If you find yourself blaming the other person or seeing them in all-or-nothing or black-and-white terms, it’s likely your imbalanced thinking is distorting the relationship. Commit to transforming your thinking, and you’re on your way to overcoming jealousy.

Master your mindset

4. Practice compassion

practice compassion

Jealousy often masks self-contempt, and we project our fears and insecurities onto others. And compassion the antidote to shame and jealousy is like a well. You can’t give others water if your well is dry. When you catch yourself self-criticizing or catastrophizing, take a step back and apply self-compassion. Rather than attacking the other person with questions, adopt an attitude of curiosity so you can get to know them as they are. As you work to discover what’s driving your insecurities, you’ll better understand how to stop being jealous and insecure.

5. Focus on your strengths

Ruminating on your weaknesses is a surefire way to amplify the jealousy whispering in your ear. To quiet the voice of envy and learn how to stop being jealous, introduce another voice: Your inner cheerleader. Think of a time you felt proud of yourself, and let yourself relive those feelings. What strengths did you bring to the table, and how did they contribute to your success? Make a list of your skills and talents. Proactively focusing on your positive traits builds your self-esteem so you’re able to engage others without insecurity.

focus on your strengths

6. Find commonalities

find commonalities

If you find yourself asking how to stop being jealous and controlling around a specific person, build camaraderie with them. Seek out traits you share with that person, and realize that the other person isn’t perfect either. Envy and insecurity are universal, so your “nemesis” is guaranteed to have weaknesses, whether or not they’re obvious. By finding common ground, you humanize the other person so you’re able to relate to them on equal footing.

Ready to break your jealous habits?

Learn how to stop being jealous and enjoy a healthy relationship with Tony Robbins’ Limiting Beliefs E-Book