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Love is blind

How to keep loving from the heart, not the head

Love: It’s one of the few things in life that can create intense pleasure — or intense pain in our lives. It’s the one force that has the power to put you on top of the clouds or in a deep, dark hole. (And no matter how much experience we gain in love, it seems like we’re all still trying to figure it out as we go.)

Is love blind?

When you are in the midst of deep love, when the world is filled with rainbows and butterflies, everything your partner does is right. This is where the term “Love is blind” comes from — you are “blinded” by love and cannot see any of your lover’s flaws.

Image credit © Guas /shutterstock

Why do we feel this way? Why do we act as though love is blind, and that our partner doesn’t have any perceivable shortcoming? When you first get together with a romantic partner, it’s easy to block out any red flags or character flaws. That’s because you’re in the lusting phase of your relationship. In this heightened state of attraction, we tend to give our partners more leeway. There’s more space for them to make mistakes because the rules we have created within the relationships are different, and we have fewer of them. And in many cases, you don’t have any rules — you’re just thrilled to be in the same room with them, to have the opportunity to make them happy.

Loving from the heart

During this period, you’re fully loving from the heart, instead of the head. Here’s an example of the thought process of someone who is loving from the heart:

“What would make my partner happy? What would turn them on? I am going to the ends of the earth and I’m going to find out – and I’m going to have fun doing it. I’m going to have fun learning about them and enjoy exploring all kinds of things together; I’m going to feel alive, I’m going to make this relationship perfect.”

Where are the doubts? Where are the rules? If relationships were truly this simple, then every person on the planet would be in a happy union.

Where is the measuring of how much you are doing for your partner, vs. how much they are doing for you? That’s right — it’s not there. When you are loving from your heart, in the “blind” stage, you don’t think about how much you are giving, and you don’t create ideals of what your partner should be and compare it to what they are.

So what brings that stage to an end? Why do we stop loving from the heart? 

Loving with the head

The answer is: Your head takes over. Logic is a valuable intellectual trait, but in the realm of relationships, it can be destructive. Here is the train of thought of someone who is in their head, instead of fully loving with their heart:

“I wonder what they’re going to do for me for my birthday. I planned such a great day for their birthday, and they loved it. But they haven’t even mentioned my birthday yet this year. What if they forget completely? Like they forgot to congratulate me when I got that promotion. Or like how they forget even the little things, like the fact that I don’t like ginger. How can I have a partner who doesn’t know I don’t like ginger?!”

At this point, the rules that you’ve made up in your head about how a partner should behave, what your relationship should be like and what you deserve have completely overtaken all of the positive emotions you had before when your love was still blind. Things our partner does are no longer thrilling; the flaws are no longer “cute,” and they can even become an annoyance over time.

And when we let the little things start to stack up, we start feeling resentment, or built-up tension toward our partner. That can escalate into a series of rejections that become toxic or abrasive – and ultimately simmers into a general feeling of repression, or learned helplessness, where you lower your expectations so much that you no longer feel any needs being met in the relationship, so you turn to other outlets for your love and attention, like your work, children, friend group or hobbies.

Sounds terrible, right? The good news is that you can nip it in the bud by maintaining a feeling of attraction to your partner through the power of polarity. Watch Tony explain this concept.

“When you’re in attraction, love is easy. When you’re not attracted, you get in your head. You leave your heart and your body and you go to your head.” — Tony Robbins

To get a deep dive into polarization and what it means for your relationship, consider attending Tony’s marquee event, Date with Destiny, or see some of his popular relationship products. If your relationship matters to you, it’s not too late to save it. Love may be blind early on in new relationships, but you can find a way to clearly see and appreciate your partner as time goes on.

Header image © Arman25/shutterstock

Team Tony

Team Tony cultivates, curates and shares Tony Robbins’ stories and core principles, to help others achieve an extraordinary life.

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